Into the Abyss …

We change our passion for glory” – the words rung out while I was bench pressing at the gym.  I’ve listened to this song a million times, but this day it hit me so hard I almost dropped the weights on my chest.  After my set I paced the weight room, trying to grasp why it hit me so hard.

I had not “sold out”.  I am following my passion and working on my dreams.  Why is this sticking to my chest like a ton of bricks?  What am I not seeing?  What am I not getting?  Had I sold out?  And it hit me… it wasn’t about selling out, it was about half ass-ing it.  Yes, I had walked away from security of a full time permanent job with pension, benefits to live my dream of helping people lose weight so I had in fact, taken the leap of faith… but that’s not all.

When I first “found fitness” I was a broken, messed up girl who suffered from eating disorders and serious body image and self hate.  The gym helped me overcome that.  It was through fitness and healthy eating that I changed my life, where I found confidence, love, happiness.  But helping people “get results” was only a part of what I wanted to do.  I wanted to motivate people to do the inner work, the mindset work, the life changing work that gives them their freedom from the scale as a measure of their worth in life.  My own mantra was “If I never lose another pound, it’s ok, I’m happy and healthy” because what I was really after in my quest for thinness was acceptance, approval, love.  And none of that would be found at the bottom of a diet pill bottle, a shake, or days of not eating or the # on the scale.

That’s what I walked away to do and I was 1/2 doing it.  I have helped a lot of people lose weight.  But had I really helped many people overcome their inner scars to truly change their lives through fitness?  To hold the space for them to completely break open and allow their pain to come out and be washed away in sweat?  I think not.  Some yes, but not as many as I would have liked.

I wanted to help people “get it” that the weight is a symptom of the problem, not the problem.  When you lose the weight without dealing with the issues you’re just band aiding it and you’ll feel better for a little while but the same old stuff will come back again and again.  And you’ll find yourself, like I had so many times, wondering “how did I get back here again?

Those words were like a knife to my heart.  “You’re changing your passion for glory” not because I’m not doing it but because I stayed comfortable.  I sold out to the smaller vision because I am good at what I do.  I know that.  Others know that.  And it’s safe.  I took a leap before and I was successful, but could I take another massive leap and have it work too?  Could I have that much faith?  I’m not sure.  I have my clients, I’m comfortable.  I earn enough doing that.  But I’m not fully satisfied.  I love helping people in the gym.  I love coaching and training but there’s another HUGE piece of what I do that I am not fully doing because I’m scared.  Because it’s the biggest piece of what I want to do and I’m scared to take another leap.  What if I fall?  What if I can’t do it?  What if doesn’t work?  All the fears… and so I stay… I do a little, but not full out.  I dream about it.  I run to the vision of what it would look like.  But I’m too scared to play full out outside of my dreams.

“We change our passion for glory” – I’m doing it, a little bit, that’s enough, my mind says.  But it’s not enough because it’s not the complete vision and my soul knows that.  And so I get stuck.  I add more clients in the gym so I don’t have time to do it, to plan it, to make it happen. And my soul knows that and calls me a sell out.

I’m not selling out on my values or my beliefs, but I’m selling out to a more achievable dream.  Instead of taking massive action and playing a huge game, I’m scared, because it’s my heart and soul.  It’s my everything.  And if it doesn’t work, could I be ok?  Could I live with that?

When I quit my “corporate job” I remember saying “I just need to know if I can do this” and now I’m left to wonder… where is that warrior?  Where is that girl?  Doing it somewhat but not doing it full out… not doing the 2nd piece which was in fact the biggest piece… the piece that involves giving people their freedom, their confidence, their lives back, not for significance but because I know how it feels to feel lost, hurt and broken and how I changed that for myself and can help others change that for themselves.

We doubt ourselves.  We think we can’t.  We’re scared we can’t.  So we stay, with one foot in and one foot out, doing the hokey pokey.  But deep inside that’s why we can’t settle.  We’re meant to grow and learn.  The years I’ve spent with clients in the gym has been truly amazing and a gift I wouldn’t change for anything.  I will also continue with that.  But it’s not the only part.   It was a necessary part of the journey but it’s time for phase 2, it’s time to move to a new level.

And I’m reminded of another quote by Marianne Williamson…” it’s our light not our darkness that frightens us“…and in a moment in the gym I got it… I know how truly awesome this will be … the power behind it… the freedom in it for me and for so many others who have been trapped for so long in the dogma of living a life that doesn’t serve us.  And I’m scared of that… scared of what that means… scared of giving up what I know to step once again into the abyss and the unknown.

Staying here is comfortable, but nothing ever grows being comfortable.

So here I am, once again, about to take a massive leap into the unknown and instead of worrying that I might fall, I’ll focus on – but what if, I fly?

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