Be Brave; Not Perfect

The most profound life changing conversations happen at the Hair Dressers.  I’ve met some of the most amazing women in the world with our hair in foils and towels on our heads… perhaps that experience reminds us of our more carefree days, when nothing else mattered except getting ready, trying on make up and talking about boys and our hopes and dreams.

We were raised on fairy tales, prince charming and happily ever after… only to be told later it was all a lie… there was no glass slipper.

Women have conditioned for a long time now to be one of two ways: a lady or a ball buster.  But you can’t be both.  And you really really can’t have it all.  Our hair, nails and primping and priming rituals for fun and connection and girl talk gave way to hair and nail appointments on the rush, to maintain the “look” but really we’re smearing it over a hardened, jaded surface.  It’s presence so fake you can almost taste it.  Look like a lady, act like a man (wasn’t that a book even?).  And the other, a wispy bend and snap type who has no motivation other than to be ***gasp*** a house wife, dreaming of pink and lollipops and rainbows.

I used to be both.  At different times in my life, clearly, because, you know, we can’t be both.  I used to love baths and candles and getting ready and looking good, but somewhere along the way I learned that if you want to be taken seriously you gotta stop with the pretty and pinks or there’ll be a lollipop offered, but most likely not the one you wanted ;0  If you learned like I did, you realized that nice and happy lead being to not being taken seriously – ball busters get the promotions, happy girls get talked to like porn stars.

Change.  Be what works.  In the words of Rhonda Rowsey “My momma didn’t raise no do nothing bitch“… so break out the body armour.  It was close by, hanging in the closet anyway… from all those failed relationships.  What’s one more place to wear it?

Somewhere along the way, we forgot to take it off.  The armour has now become us.  We don’t even realize how much we’ve changed, how much our essence has been lost.  And we wonder why we eat, sleep, drink, and FB endlessly?  Because we’re caught between who we need to be to be “successful” and who we really are.  And just because we love pink and decorating and nails and hair doesn’t mean we’re dumb.

Feminine isn’t weak.  It’s stronger than any masculine force could truly understand.  When we are who we really are, we are 1000x more powerful than we think we are by being something we’re not.  Feminine and weak or feminine and ball buster have become the two definitions of feminine.  But that’s from weak masculine trying to hold their power and perhaps even from those original ball busting women who fought so hard to get us rights (amen, sister’s, you did what was necessary and we salute you!) from weak masculine… but real masculine lifts and supports the feminine… they know the strength of the feminine and they don’t try to suppress it, they fuel it.

Women though have become our own worst enemies… we’ve been taught never to rely on a man (what they should have taught us was the difference between weak masculine and strong masculine); and women every where hold each other to the golden rule – don’t let your hear rule this… he’ll make a fool of you… don’t quit your job, what if he leaves you… we’ve always got one foot out the door… because we’re ready, just in case.

Instead of teaching men how to be real masculine, we’ve taught women how to be stronger masculine… as though that was our only way to success.  We have been trained by weak masculine to be afraid and raised now by generations who fought hard for our rights… it’s not that long ago that we were property and in many countries around the world, it’s still that way.

Feminine and weak are make believe of society – constructed to keep women in their place or to push to a new place with force by dominant feminine.

Except at the hair dressers.  We are all of who we are there.  Maybe it’s the towels on our heads and the oversized smocks.  Maybe it’s the chemicals going to our brains… but there, we are authentically who we are.  Passionate, inspiring women who are out to change the world.  For a brief moment in our day, our lives we get to be those girls again… the ones who dreamed a little more, the ones who laughed a little louder, the ones who still believed they could have it all – the man, the kids, the home, the career… the ones who weren’t yet jaded.

And we cross paths with other women – who do everything from stay at home rockstar mom’s (I don’t have kids so I gotta shout out to mom’s cause that’s a hard ass job!); CEO’s; film producers, musicians, store clerks… you name it… we’re all there, at the hair dressers… being girls with dreams… talking about & solving the worlds problems, our families, what’s going on in our lives, what we’re working on and we’re networking and connecting all at the same time.

At the hair dressers we connect at the heart and soul level.  For a moment, the masks come off, we are free there, to be the divine feminine that we were born to be – intelligent, strong, and sexy as all get out.  If you want solutions for any problem, I can guarantee it will be fixed at the hair salon.

It’s not just a place where silly girls go to “look the part”… it’s a place where we get to be ourselves – for even the briefest moments of time.  We don’t have to be perfect.  We don’t have to pretend to have it all together.  We don’t have to pretend to have all the answers.  But we can dream.  We can talk about our plans, we can help each other solve problems – all with dye on heads in smocks.  Perhaps its the vulnerability of the masks removed that we feel the freedom…

We don’t have to be a ball buster who shuns everything girly in order to be successful.  We don’t need to have a full face of make up to be feminine.  We just need to be ourselves.  And I can’t help but wish that we could take those moments from the salon chair out the door and into our every day lives with us.

We need to teach women to be brave, not perfect.  In our question for perfection, we’ve lost that which makes us perfect… our divine feminine, our essence, our core, that which makes perfect exactly as we are.  We need to teach girls to be brave enough and courageous enough to be who they really are, to love themselves as they are, to go after what they want and love fucking unicorns too if they want (probably don’t take it to a board meeting, but love that god damn unicorn anyway).  It’s in our bravery that we will connect with who we are and success is so much easier from the space of who we really are.

Tonya

PS… this is dedicated to my fabulous hair dresser Rachael Facey – who is truly amazing at what she does but who genuinely goes out of her way to ensure an amazing experience, a great time and genuinely loves her clients.  It’s because of that, that us girls get to be who we really are, masks off in your presence… because we are accepted as we are for who we are.  These experiences wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for you and the tribe of women dedicated to making other women feel beautiful x0x0.

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