Justifiably Jaded

Jaded… it’s everywhere.  It’s so engrained in society that it’s become acceptable, almost mandatory to focus on the negative, on what could go wrong.  We’ve learned to expect the worse and we’ve had so many experiences of the “worst” that we start to shut down, bit by bit.

Do you remember when you believed in magic and love?  It’s vague, but it’s there somewhere… the fairy tales, the dreams of prince charming.  And of course, being an astronaut, a nurse, a doctor, a vet, a reporter, an environmentalist… no where in there do I remember wishing to be a fucked up jaded mess.  Where was the world I was so anxious to grow up to live in?  It’s not how I pictured it to be.

I didn’t know people could be so cruel.  I didn’t realize how much disappointment hurt.  I didn’t realize it would be so much, all the time.  Did you?

We learn as we go… there’s no manual to life.  It has a way of knocking you down and throwing you on your back.  I didn’t know how not to get back up.  I fought my whole life.  I fought who I really was.  I fought rejection.  I fought caring. I was born a fighter.  Every smack, every knockout, every disappointment, every failure… I think it was a blessing to never fully feel it.  I have been knocked down more times than I care to admit.  I’ve had more failure than some people have tries.  There’s a reverence in an inability to stop finding a way.  I refused to believe I couldn’t.  I refused to believe there wasn’t a way.  And often times I got what I wanted… only to discover it wasn’t the answer or it didn’t make me happy, as I thought it would.

If I get this size…if I get this boy… if I get into this school… If I get this job… if I get this contract… business… etc… always waiting to be happy… always waiting to live.  As I am writing I am remembering saying to my husband one time… I feel like I’m waiting to live…waiting to move, waiting for the house, waiting for… always waiting until something else before being happy… as though there was a destination I wanted or needed to be in order to be happy.

I didn’t realize the journey was the point.  The journey was the story.  The journey was the purpose.  It’s not about being somewhere… it’s about what you’re doing in the mundane.  It’s not about the epic stories and amazing days… because we all have those… but it’s about how much life we have on the mundane days… the work days, the sick days, the weekends… the purpose is all about those days and what we make of them, what we use them for.  And when we’re focusing on being somewhere else in order to be happy, we’re missing the happiness available to us right now.

But we’re justifiably jaded… living the life of a victim who is refusing really to be a victim… so it’s in the “doing” – the working, the “getting somewhere” by force so there’s no weakness or perception of weakness, or of being a failure, a loser.  Not getting picked, getting over looked, made fun of, dumped, not getting the job, failing out of school, fighting with friends, family, being blamed, blaming others.  Being attacked, losing everything, being abused, being a liar, taken advantage of, taken for granted, being a doormat.  We’re jaded.

We’ve seen the worst of society.  We know what’s out there, we know what’s available, we know the bad seeds, we’ve seen the darkness, we lived in the darkness and we’ve grown immune to it.  We expect people to hurt us, we expect people to let us down, we expect people to lie to us, to cheat, to steal, to talk about us and not have our backs… so when it happens, we’re not surprised… just more proof that we’re right… the world is unsafe and it’s better to keep your own company, not put yourself out there, not get too attached… you never know when even the most amazing people will turn on you.  Cause every now and then you let the walls down, don’t you?  And someone fucks you up again… a friend, a family member… and for a moment you are indescribably hurt, but then you remember – you’re the stupid one for believing they were different, right?

And step back. Add another layer to the brick wall we’re building.  Add another layer of body armour and another mask.  We don’t care anyway.  Fuck them.  Fuck the world.  Everyone’s fake and being assholes and if you gotta watch your back, it’s better to be alone, am I right?  It’s safer anyway.

But it’s also lonely.  We’re not meant to live that way.  We’re not meant to be jaded and angry and bitter.  But so many of us are.  It’s not that we don’t care, in fact, it’s the complete opposite… we care too much and we get hurt too easily and we don’t really have proper coping skills – because of our life experiences we weren’t taught that everything that is wrong isn’t really about us.  We close our hearts to the world and we open them sparingly, if at all.  We feel the pain of a closed heart or so we think.  The truth is, those with a closed heart have no idea it’s closed – they are immune, it’s not even on their radar.  Those with an open heart feel the pain of a closed heart but pretend they don’t… they just stuff it down with alcohol, sex, drugs, cigarettes, food, exercise, TV, internet, Facebook.  We hide it.  We pretend we don’t care but we develop addictions and pretend we don’t care, all because we’ve been hurt so many times we aren’t sure we can’t handle one more let down.

So it’s easier to expect to be let down and not go after what we want – whether it’s a career or a date -we’ll save ourselves the disappointment and the embarrassment when we fail anyway.  And we pretend we don’t want that anymore.  We pretend we’ve changed our mind.  We pretend we’ve changed and want something different and we turn our back.  We choose safety because we’ve learned the hard way.  We go after it a little bit… we settle in relationships for “connection” but not deep love and passion.  We take a job in our chosen field for someone else or do it “partially” never fully taking the risk of going all in.

 

It seems more acceptable these days to be jaded than to be happy, in love, positive.  The world is dying for it.  I know I was.  I didn’t know exactly how jaded I was until I started dealing with all of the wounds I carried.  There was a lot. I was definitely justified in my attitude and my perception of the world… being right, expecting the worst (and you know that law of attraction thing – you get back what you put out!) but it didn’t make me happy.  I was smug, self righteous even by being right and justified in my approach to life, to people.

But I wanted to be happy.  Isn’t that what we all want?

I decided to bust down the wall, I had intended to take it down bit by bit but it kinda crumbled… but climbing out from under the rubble… it was bit by bit, take off the armour, lay down the swords,  stand up for myself and most importantly to live fully present in each moment… tough to do when you’re a jaded warrior ready for battle.  But the battle gets old when you’ve been fighting too long.  Instead of being a jaded warrior I now focus on being warrior goddess… focusing on presence, giving, receiving too, courage, faith and love.  They’re not easy.  They require you to be available to hurt.

But as I’ve discovered, you can only get the kind of love we stopped believing in when you can accept the possibility of pure devastation.  You can have one without the risk of the other.  If you want to fully experience life and love, you’ve got to be in it… all of it… the career?  Play full out.  The relationship?  Play full out… as scary as it is.  What is the alternative?

Staying Justifiably Jaded?  Which is really just terrified… and, I don’t know, neither of us strikes me as the type to live in terror…

Tonya

PS… I host a Facebook group for #wildsouledwomen who are letting go, releasing and finding themselves.  If you’re one of the #tribe, join us –>> Wild Souled Women.

Comments

  1. Geraldine

    Tonya I love how you can express the things you have lived and come to realize that you are able to come back with a fierce love of life. As I read your articles I realize and can almost feel every word that you are writing, It’s in the understanding of our own personal life that we can change our story and sometimes it’s like you say “tear the wall down brick by brick or all at once it all falls down”. Thank -you for your openness and honesty !!!!

    1. Thank you so much Geraldine. I appreciate your words. I’ve found the source of all suffering to be withholding, pulling back, being jaded … but with enough work, you can choose to open your heart anyway and it’s amazing how fast suffering ends when you focus on applying love, faith and trust to everything :0 Thank you for taking the time to read and replay.

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