Woman, On Purpose

It’s not always easy doing what’s right for you when people are used to you being a certain way.  Every single day I have decisions to make – they bring me closer to the life I want or back to the life I don’t want.  It took me forever to tell my husband that I didn’t want him smoking in the car with me.  A long time ago I had made a comment and he made one back and I just left it at that; until recently, because no fucks are given anymore and I speak up for myself, even when it might not be met with enthusiasm from the other side. When I talked to him about it from a place of self worth, not a place of judgement or anger, he heard my message and has not smoked in the car for a very long time.  Today it was raining and I wanted to go somewhere and he wanted a cigarette and I said “just have it in the car.” He refused!  Yeah for me (and him!) because I realized it’s a friggin’ slippery slope to finding ourselves back “there”.  And we do that, don’t we?  It takes us forever to find the courage, even in the simplest of things, to say what we want and need and then so easily we find ourselves going back on it…

I’ve realized people pleasing is like that for me…Since we teach people how to treat us, when we’re changing we need 100% consistency in our approach.  It’s like training your dog to go potty outside… in order for us to effectively train them we need to be 100% consistent.  Ask anyone who has successfully trained a dog.  They did the same things over and over with no breaks in pattern or habits.  Results – dog trained in record time.

Teaching a dog to sit using food

If I’m not consistently teaching people how I want to be treated then I can’t blame them for still treating me the ways I used to let them treat me.  I used to bend over backwards to do things for people.  I don’t know when it started exactly, but it’s definitely related to my business.  Before I went into business I changed my life, my weight, my relationship with myself.  But in business I got beat to the ground. I realize now of course this was all lining everything perfectly to teach me the lessons I needed to learn.  I had to grow into the person who could do the work I’m here to do.  When I got into business, I was none of those things.  I was listening to people who had never owned a business telling me how to run a business – you have to be 100%, no  down time, whatever they want you do.  That was really terrible advice.  And after a while I forgot who I was.  I forgot what I wanted, why I was doing what I was doing and it just became easier to give people what they wanted, do what they wanted and/or needed, even if that meant changing my schedule constantly or cancelling date night with my husband to do a session with a client.

people-pleaser

I realize now all of this was happening FOR me, not to me.  It was there for my growth.  I’ve dealt with situations and people in business that would make mother Theresa tell them to fuck off… but me?  I took it.  Why?  Because I had no self worth and no belief in myself anymore. I am now grateful for every single one of those people and situations because they helped me grow as a person, as a business owner, as a coach.  I was people pleasing because I was terrified of failing.  I had taken a massive risk leaving a full time permanent job when everyone told me not to, that I couldn’t make it.  And I was desperately trying not to fail.  But I was failing miserably because I was often going against my gut and my intuition and listening to what those same people who told me I’d fail were telling me to do now.

I didn’t trust myself.  I didn’t believe in myself.  I wanted it, but I was scared and terrified that they were all right.  And the law of attraction ensured that I got exactly what I was afraid of because that’s what I was focusing on. 

I had no idea that just being honest was so much easier than doing a bunch of shit that you don’t want to do or beating around the bush or being indirect or passive aggressive.  I was unable to say anything for so long I was the perfect candidate for a doormat.  I bought things from people I didn’t want, attended events I didn’t want to go to, paid for services that were complete shit and delivered at 25% of what was supposed to be delivered, completely taken advantage of by friends, family and yes, even my dogs.  Because they all could. It wasn’t their responsibility to make me stand up for myself.  The only person who could do that was me. When you come from a place of clarity and certainty there’s no argument on the other end.  They feel your certainty.  I used to be so easily manipulated because I wasn’t certain, because I wanted to make other people happy at a cost of myself, my own life, my own happiness.  Their opinion of me was more important than my own opinion of me.

It’s not always popular.  Some relationships are better, like with my husband and with some of my friends.  But with some friends and family members it’s not better.  I won’t lie. But the best part about it all is that there was a time when I would have blamed myself.  I shouldn’t have said anything, I should have just kept the peace, I should have ignored it.  But you know what happens when you ignore it and you just keep the peace?  You become angry and bitter, because how they feel is more important than how you feel… people pleasing because you don’t have any self worth and you’re afraid they’ll leave or they’ll make you wrong or you’ll be alone or whatever.  It doesn’t matter.  What is at the crux of the issue is your self worth.

absoluteawareness

When I got self worth, I didn’t give a fuck anymore.  And I don’t mean that in the fuck the world sense like I used to have.  Now I realize that I can’t force people to see my worth.  I have to see my worth and do what’s best for me.  It’s not giving a fuck in the sense of “c’est la vie”… it hurts and I have learned how to process that hurt, not making them wrong in the process because they are where they are, going through what they are going through and being who they are, and that has nothing to do with me.  But what has to do with me is walking away from what isn’t working, not putting myself in positions where I’m begging to be seen, begging to be invited, begging to be liked, wanted because that means I’m good enough if they say I’m good enough.  My self worth was outside of myself.  And oh so easy to lose the minute I wasn’t pleasing to someone.

Now I realize I’m good enough because I exist.  Once I got that I didn’t need to be a certain size or weight or hair colour or dress a certain way or be invited to things or be accepted or liked by certain people, everything became so much easier.  Life has taken on a calmness to it, one where I know who I am and what I want, where I stand up for myself when necessary, or walk away when necessary, where I assess situations before I take it on because my integrity to myself and the things I commit to matter.  I matter.  My time matters.  My health matters.  What I want matters.  What I need matters.

I have enough self worth now to know when something feels off or something feels right and I can trust my own inner guidance because I know my own worth and I’m not longer looking for it in approval or acceptance from others.  I know in my heart whats right for me and I’m committed to never going back to the person I used to be.  She’s not someone I liked being, but she was necessary, she’s who had I to be to become who I am.

I think for myself, I feel for myself, I speak up for myself when I need to, walk away when I need to, I do me and let others do them.  Consistently.

I have become a woman, on purpose.

Tonya

Mindset Strategist

PS… if you’re also a woman, on purpose or working on that, you might be interested in the FacebookGroup – Wild Souled Women.  Join us, your tribe is there 🙂

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