Have you ever woken up with that in your head? The voice that is telling you it’s time to stop playing fucking nice, stop fucking around, leave, quit, whatever it is for you – but basically stop your fucking whining bullshit?
Or is it just me that happens to?
Sometimes I really want to blow a fucking gasket over some of the mistakes I keep making over and over and over again. And I want to be mad at someone else. I want to be mad at the universe for making this my “mission”. Somedays I wish I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. It would be a lot fucking easier to just go work for someone else and not have this nagging feeling that makes me write (like this article, today, that I don’t want to write but I can’t get on with anything else until I do). Sometimes I wish I could care less. Sometimes I wish I didn’t give a shit about people and their problems. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care about helping people change their lives. Sometimes I wish I could be mad at other people for NOT wanting to change.
But in the end I’m angry only at myself, for playing small; for undervaluing myself, for listening to advice that isn’t for me, for forgetting who I am and what I’m capable of.
There was a time when nothing stood in my way. I burned the fucking boats and took the island. I accidentally burned the island down too, but I took it.
And I’ll take it again.
I don’t know what it will look like and I’m tired of engineering it to be the way I expect it to be, or want it to be. We don’t always get what we want, when we want it and sometimes not getting it is the best blessing we can ever have. While it’s hard to see in the moment, failure is sometimes the best thing that can ever happen to us.
Failure has been my closest friend and foe for most of my life. Through failure I’ve learned more about who I am and what I’m capable of than any amount of success has taught me. It’s easy to show up when things are great. It’s easy to be all in when the money is flowing, when they praise is floating in the air.
It’s not easy to be all in when shit isn’t going like you planned. It’s not easy to be all in when you’re showing up but no one else is. It’s not easy to be all in when everything keeps going wrong. It’s not easy to keep going under those circumstances.
If it were easy everyone would do it. And you’re not everyone. Neither am I. You wouldn’t be following my blog if you were like everyone else. Sometimes though we fall into those traps, and we forget who we are, what we’re capable of. We start seeing the reasons why not to do it, instead of the reasons to keep going. We had a vision and when it doesn’t happen, we want to quit and look for another way.
That’s human nature.
What’s inhuman, what will inspire the world, is doing it anyway, staying in the game and screaming “it’s not over til I win!” When failure isn’t an option you will find a way. When we cut off everything else, every other possibility we have no choice but to find a way to succeed or die. When we exhaust every other possibility that’s when the GREAT get started. When you’ve been on your knees, praying and looking for a solution and the light of a new day dawns, that’s when the GREAT get started.
I will take the fucking island again and this time I won’t burn it down (at least I’ll try, I don’t really like being cold, so if it gets cold… I mean accidents happen, right?). I might need a nap in between battles, I might need to pick myself up off the floor every now and I might need a pep talk occasionally;but never ever doubt that I will always find a way to make it work.
I’ve burned the boats. I’ve declared who I am and what I plan to do. Now it’s just showing up every single day as though success is already mine. I will change the world, I will help women find my selves, I will help end the dieting lifestyle, I will create a movement of Wild Souled Women who are done taking bullshit, who are done with smoke and mirrors and pretending.
This time though, I don’t really have any idea what it will look like. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years, 6 months and even 6 minutes (although a shower wouldn’t hurt so that’s probably where I should go) but what I do know is that I will follow my heart and my soul and my intuition and that cannot lead me astray.
In the words of Steve Jobs “follow your heart, it somehow already knows the way“. Stop playing small (you and I), because it doesn’t serve you or the world. We all came here to do something, to contribute in some way. For a long time I fought this “gift” – the ability to motivate and inspire people by sharing my own stories of tragedy and overcoming many obstacles in my life. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My parents were very hard working people who are some of the greatest people on this planet… the salt of the earth kind of people. They instilled in me and my siblings a work ethic than is both a blessing and a curse.
My mother pushed me to have and do everything that this life has to offer, to never ever settle. My father taught me and still continues to teach me to be happy with what you have because having more won’t make you happy if you can’t appreciate what you already have.
My paths in this life haven’t always been easy. I’ve had more than my fair share of tragedy and hurt and pain and betrayal. And the person who betrayed me the most was myself. I turned my back on myself, on my heart, on what I knew to be true, on who I really was to become more pleasing, to fit in, to be liked.
I fought hard to find myself. I fought hard to get underneath the rubble of life and it’s experiences and it’s bullshit and its hurt and pain and it’s loss and it’s hardships and it’s failures, but that’s where I found myself. All shiny and fucking sparkly – shiny and sparkly and fuck do go together. And I swore I would never go back to hating myself, to doubting myself, to not living my life to the fullest, every single day.
Some days I do forget though. Somedays the fear swallows me whole. Somedays I want to give up, to throw in the towel, to stop having “these conversations”. I know people think I’ve lost my mind. I know people think I share too much (and the truth is I haven’t really shared any of actual experiences that drove me to the brink of insanity). I know all of this and sometimes I want to just stop writing and sharing. I haven’t written in this blog for a long time. I have written because it’s a part of me, but I haven’t shared for those reasons. A little fear … a little mixture of feeling like I have nothing worthwhile to say.
But then I remember… who I am… what I am here to do and whether I like it or I don’t, it’s my purpose in life. I was given this life for a reason, these experiences for a bigger purpose… perhaps because I could handle them? I don’t know if that’s the truth. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know what I wanted to be because then I could ignore it and in my mind sometimes, life would be “easier” … but I know that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself.
Life wasn’t easier before I got my shovel and started digging my way down to the core of who I am. If it was easier I would never have had to pick up the shovel to begin with.
Being who we really are in a world hell bent on our conformity isn’t easy. But you know, most of my life I walked the outskirts of normal, acceptable. I was never a sheep. The Truman Show movie horrified me and fascinated me all at once. Why do we do the things we do? Why are we so hell bent on fitting in? Why are we so hell bent on cruising just below the radar so we don’t royally piss people off or draw too much attention to ourselves? Why are we so hell bent on being just good enough but not fucking GREAT?
No more. Not for me and not for you, right? You are not serving yourself or the world by doing less than you are capable of doing, by denying what you came here to do, by denying the truth of who you are.
Today, make the declaration to yourself “It’s not over until I win!”. And every single day show up for yourself, focus on making your life and the lives around you better. What will your mark on humanity be? Who will you inspire? How will you live your life? What legacy will you leave behind?
Have an amazing and inspiring day being your full and authentic self!