The Art of Not Giving A F*&^

Letting go is great in theory.  We know we need to.  We talk about letting go.  We say we’ve let go.  In reality we WISH we could let go… and I mean really fucking let go.  Like the letting go you see about in the movies and the letting go you hear others do… the sell everything you own and move to Zimbabwe letting go.

We all want to let go that way.  And in our truth circles, in our writing and in our comments to our friends and co workers, we say we have joined the don’t give AF group, but really, we’re just thinking about joining that group.

We want to.  We really do… but we’ve got these old patterns and blueprints and shadow work that keeps pulling us back into those old patterns.

But letting go happens in stages.  There’s old patterns and habits and shadows that we need to understand and know in order to let go fully.

We have idea’s of how it “should” be.  What we thought it would be, ideals of what it could be.  We see potential and we choose the easy route by making things easy, not speaking our mind, not challenging the status quo, not asking for what we want and we deserve.

And not what we deserve because we are good or have done enough or worked hard enough. Deserve because we are alive and deserve to be heard, to be treated with respect and not invalidated because we’re softer than someone else.  Not be told you’re wrong because you have a different opinion.

You feel deeply and you don’t want to hurt others feelings so you take it, you let them “win”, you let them be right, you let them tell you you’re wrong.  Your feelings get hurt time and time again, until you stop feeling.

We hang on because it meets our needs in some way.  It plays into our limiting beliefs about ourselves and answers those questions we whisper to ourselves in the darkness … “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I get anything right?” “Why doesn’t he/she/they love me?” “Why am I not enough?”

We want to fit in, be pleasing, accepted.  So we change who we are, dull our own shine, give and give and give to be enough.

The thing is you will be never be enough for some people. I’ve changed myself, become pleasing and still wasn’t enough, still couldn’t get it right.  And other times I’ve fully been myself and still doing it wrong in some people’s eyes.

Letting go isn’t easy.  We have been groomed to be pleasing, to give in to the demands of the more dominant one, to keep the peace, to let it be.  We are shushed and silenced and eventually forget to fight. We forget who we are and why we just let people treat us badly.

But in keeping the peace we begin a silent war inside  ourselves.  

When we stuff down what we really want to say, when we choose to let the other person always get their way because it’s easier, when we give them whatever they ask for, when we step over our values, our truths over and over again, we began a battle inside.  It might be easier in the moment but it’s never easier in the long run.

Just going along denies our importance, our existence, our truth.  We take a backseat, we don’t say what we mean, we don’t express our feelings or thoughts or set boundaries because we don’t want to ruffle the features.

But inside our own features get ruffled.

We continue to be pleasing, hopeful that one day they’ll see us for who we really are, hopeful that one day they’ll accept us for who we are.  But I’ve come to learn they won’t.

The battle grows into a war.  

And soon you’re angry that they don’t see you for who you are.  And you’re upset that they aren’t there for you when you need them but you’ve always been there for them.  Your anger builds and builds and you keep swallowing it down.

Until you can’t choke it down anymore ..

They won’t see your value until you stop looking for it in them.  They won’t see your worth until you see it in yourself. They will continue to cross the line until you draw it in the sand…

In life we have 2 choices – throw in the towel or wipe the sweat off your face with it.  Some give in over and over again.  When they finally snap, they do so out of anger and retaliation.  They withdraw even more and cut out those people, but eventually recreate the same patterns with new people.

Then there are those who wipe the sweat off their face with it, who dig in and look for every root of broken patterns, low self worth, limiting beliefs and tear the roots out.  It’s hard work, it’s emotional work, it’s painful work.  But they do it because they’ve had enough pain, they’ve been rejected and outcasted enough.  And they want to end the pain forever by wedding the garden, tilling the soil and replanting new seeds instead of just mowing the weeds off.

When we mow the weeds, they grow back quickly.  We constantly need “fixes” – always looking for the next feel good fix, mowing that weed down again… only to find it grown back up 2 days later.

The only way to let go fully is to weed the garden, til the soil and replant.

That requires a depth that most of us having never known.  It requires going into it, up the side of and all around the issues.  It requires going into the darkness, the hurt, the anger and finding out what’s in there, what fear or limiting belief is really behind it all?

When we change ourselves we absolutely cannot fit.  We aren’t real and we’re always assessing the situation to see if we were pleasing enough.  It’s exhausting. And we’ll never be pleasing to those who require us to change to please them.  If we change they won’t respect us and if we don’t they will find more wrong with us. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way in life.

When we follow the truth of who we are we don’t always fit where we have been.  That means cutting the cords, breaking the patterns and habits that we cycled through for a lifetime.

That will hurt.

And that’s the hardest part of letting go.

There is nothing wrong with you just because someone else doesn’t see your value.  There is nothing wrong with you just because you don’t fit their model of the world.  There’s nothing wrong with you because you don’t agree with everything they say.  There’s nothing wrong with you because you’re different.

You don’t need to conform.

Let go.

Go into the hurt and find your own value.

Cut the cords.

Your freedom is there.  Your freedom is going into it, not away from it.  Your freedom is in letting go by leaning in to the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, learning the lesson from it, letting it go and stepping fully into yourself.

There’s only one way to get over it and that’s to go through it.

Your value doesn’t decrease because of someone’s inability to see it.  Letting go isn’t about not caring anymore, it’s about finding your own way in the world and no longer needing the approval of others to be yourself or speak your truth. It is an art.  It takes time, patience and practise to not give a fuck what anyone else expects or wants you to be.

Stay wild & let your own intuition guide you.

Tonya

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