Betrayal

I fight the old. I know a few sentences will change the direction of my future. I hold them back, stuck in the abyss.

Part of me screaming to move forward, just do it, own it, it’s what you’re here to do. Be the example of courage. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Then the other side whispers, you can’t go back once you do it.

A decision made a long time ago in hurt “ I will never be…that person.” And every step I took put a brick in the wall of the fortress in which I lived.

Nothing got in and I never got out. Eventually I forgot who I was. I forgot the pain, the reasons I ran and hid. I became the shell of me. The person who was focused on success, creating a life we are told to create. If I have all of these things, I’ll be happy.

When I had it all and it still didn’t make me happy, I destroyed it all. As the walls came crashing down, a good look at how I was living and the question “who am I really?” screaming to be answered.

This isn’t what I thought it would look like. It’s not what I really wanted. So what did I want? The deep truth veruses the truth I pretended, the one I spoke was rarely what I deeply wanted. The thing I wanted I didn’t really believe I could have. It was easier to pretend and prepare not to get it than be disappointed, crushed and a mess like so many others when they didn’t get it.

I wanted to not want it. I wanted to not need anyone. I wanted to be the strong, independent, fuck you girl.
And I was. For so very long I was. As I sledge hammered my way through the walls I had built looking for the answer of who I was and what I really wanted; and why should one life have so much suffering; and why was life so unfair sometimes – I was left with the reality of what I really wanted was masked by a hard exterior… the shell and the armour that protected me.

The hard exterior created to protect me from a tough world. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of being ridiculed, rejected, made fun of, excluded. So I became someone they couldn’t hurt.

I isolated myself. The real me wasn’t allowed to come out and play anymore. Few people caught glimpses over the years, but she was quickly ushered back into her cave, where she wouldn’t embarrass or wear or say or do the wrong things.

We made a pact. An agreement. The hard side was here to protect, to defend, to pretend it was all a game. Fuck them before they fuck you. Don’t get too close. Don’t expect anything from anyone. People will always let you down. No one is reliable.

I made some very harsh decisions about the world and the people in it.   And I had to believe those in every fiber of my being in order to stay closed off. And the law of attraction, because it is law, brings you more of what you believe. I was constantly reinforced by even more let downs, just proving right. When people were nice or did things or gave me things I always waited expectantly for the other shoe to drop, what did they want, they were using me, etc.

It was a tough way to live. But it kept me safer than my naiveties and my stupid heart kept me. Always falling for something. This way I was never disappointed or surprised when things didn’t work out. In fact, I was more surprised if they did.

As I sought answers to my questions I realized I was unhappy because on some level I had hoped it would be different. Maybe I was waiting for the real life knight in shining armor or a family or a friend to save me. No one did. There were no hero’s like in the movies. No one came to “find me”. No one asked me if I was ok. No one fought for me.

And in some way I suppose that’s what I wanted. Someone to fight for me, to show me I mattered. Instead I had to fight for myself. I was angry and bitter that no one fought for me. But how could they? Even when they tried I pushed them away and said (inside) they didn’t fight hard enough.

No one could clear the cobwebs from my heart and soul. No one could fight for me. But God sent me 2 someone’s who could. My dogs. When they looked into my eyes I knew they were heaven sent. They could see and help me through pain I couldn’t speak about, I couldn’t find words to express. With them I didn’t need to, they opened my heart in ways no human ever could. They got inside and opened me enough for a little light to get in.

From there I found the strength to be my own hero. I found the strength to face all of my demons, my fears, my shortcomings, my hurts. I found the courage to become myself and reclaim my life. I found the courage to face what was behind those walls.

But sometimes, it still has a grip on a me, it wants to pull me back into the safety and security of walls and separating myself from others and the world. When I’m open I get hurt easily and when I get hurt I want to hide, it’s an old pattern I’m breaking and some days it’s easier than others. Some hurts are easier than others to heal from and some make me want to shut out the world, squeezing back the tears with deep hurt in my chest.

Humanity makes me weep sometimes.

As I work through the reality of who I became – sullen, withdrawn, pushing people away and resenting them for not saving me, telling them to go away and angry when they did – I also realize there were so many people who stayed. People who I didn’t always treat the best, people I was cold to, stubborn with.

Their silent presence was their way of fighting for me, never giving up on me. Holding the space for me because they could see who I really was. They could see beyond the sharp tongue and harsh words, the withdrawal and pulling away.

 They saw me, long before I did.

While I was seeing who wasn’t fighting for me, I was missing the ones in front of me who were. They didn’t fight for me the way I thought they should have but they fought none the less.

And as I relaxed and let me be me in front of those people, the world took on a magic that had ceased to exist a long time ago. And while part of me struggles with breaking the pact that I made so long ago, I know I have to. It feels like I’m betraying me too, in some way.

The hard side of me saved me so often from myself I know that side was much needed but eventually it closed all off living and loving and fun. While it’s time to let go and remind myself that I have all the things now that I once didn’t – intuition, discernment, observation, trust, faith, courage that will guide me, I also have my life experiences, which as hard as many of them were, have taught me just how strong I really am.

I will be ok without my hard shell, in fact, I will do far better without it… but it’s like an old coat, it’s so comfortable and well worn that it’s hard to part with it and it’s even harder when you made an agreement with yourself that you would never ever… and here I am, doing and being what I swore I never would… it feels like betrayal but in reality, I betrayed myself a long time ago when I decided to amor up.

And the gap closes as I feel the fear and do it anyway…

Stay tuned 😉

Tonya

PS… if you’re on a journey of your own and enjoy these blogs, you’ll really enjoy the Wild Soueld Women group on Facebook.  Come Join us –>> WSW.

 

 

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