Unbroken

Somedays I wonder
If I will stop feeling things so deeply
Will I ever get back to “normal”
Will the cracks and the wounds ever heal?
Will they always hurt?
Is looking at them really better than looking away from them?
Somedays I long for the days when I didn’t know any of this.
The times I blamed the outside world for my failures…
If he/she/they would only…
Was life easier? Sometimes I think it was.
Or do I see the past as better than it was?
If I was so happy
I wouldn’t have searched for new answers
Now I can’t remember
What it was like before
I vaguely remember the anger, the rage, the frustration
I felt so easily and quickly
Every little slight threw me in a spin
I feel so detached from that girl
But she lives in me still
Calling me back
To a time it was safer
When I was like everyone else
When I fit more easily into the world
Sometimes it’s lonely here
Sitting in truth and authenticity
In a world that loves fake and pretend
Then I remember
I was never supposed to fit
That’s why it was so hard
I was born to break the mould
Not get in it
How can you create change
When you blend in?
You cannot
But it still hurts sometimes
Feeling alone & lonely
Misunderstood
I’m reminded the cracks
are how the light gets in
We have to be broken open sometimes
To feel what we feel
Without pretending to feel something different
Maybe the wound is supposed to bleed
For as much as it needs
As often as it needs
Maybe there isn’t a day when the scar vanishes
Maybe it’s not supposed to
Maybe the cracks aren’t supposed to be filled in
Maybe they are the scars I’m supposed to wear
Proudly
Visibly
To show, not what I’ve been through
But what I have survived
That was designed to kill me
Maybe I’m supposed to honour the space
The wounds and the scars
Let them bleed and breathe
Each time they will feel better for a little longer
Maybe the goal isn’t to “get better”
Scar free, unblemished
Maybe they are something sacred
A reminder that I could have given up a million times
And no one would blame me
But instead I stand tall
Warrior Goddess proud
Wearing the battle scars for all to see
As an example of how strong the feminine is
What she can go through
And stand still
Thriving in spite of the scars
Thriving because of the scars
Thriving because of the wounds
Maybe they are my accolades
My feathers, My badges, My ribbons
To be worn with honour

Tonya x0x0

 

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