I Am A Wild Souled Woman

We’re not meant to be managed.  We’re not here as an accessory.

Have you ever hit rock bottom?  Emotionally?  I have.  I stood in the darkest moment of my life, lost my passion, lost my zest for life and wondered “what does it all mean?”  Have you ever felt like you were caught in the “Truman Show”?  Like a rat in a cage, going round and round in circles, but knowing that this isn’t how life is meant to be?

I should say, I was on my knees in the darkest hour, what’s next?  Get a job?  Try a different lifestyle?  Why not sit home and drink beer and eat chips like so many other people do.  Preaching about weight loss when it seems the world doesn’t care most of the time.  They know it’s bad for them and yet they pull up to the drive through window like hamsters on a wheel… wake up, eat, work, eat, watch tv, eat, surf the net, eat.  I felt like I was on the outside looking in, trying to shake people awake and then I found myself wondering “do I even care anymore?”  If people don’t care about themselves, how can I keep caring about them?  And I felt hopeless.  You have your hand up, but the teacher won’t pick you and the louder you yell pick me pick me, the more she ignores you.

And for a brief time I thought, what if I stopped caring?  What if I got a job and life was easier?  Would I really be giving up?  Sure, I make a “decent living” but it’s never been about the money for me.  If I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d still do this.  Quitting was impossible but continuing, also impossible.

That’s stuck, in a big way.

And I couldn’t move.  I felt like I couldn’t breath.  I couldn’t sleep but I couldn’t get up.  I felt like lead and I wondered, maybe I should just worry about myself and stop fixing everyone.  Maybe I should give up.

And I did give up.  Inside.  I was going through the motions.  Get up.  Walk the dogs.  Get breakfast.  Work without passion or purpose or focus.  I felt lost.  I can’t continue but I can’t quit.  I felt torn and raw and broken.  I pulled away from people.  I deleted people on social media.  I stopped seeing the beauty of the world.  I saw negativity.  I saw hate.  I felt rage and pain and bitterness.

And then I saw and felt nothing.  I felt like nothing.  Without purpose there is no passion and without passion, there is nothing.  And the darkness became so heavy that getting up seemed impossible.  I thought where is the girl I used to be?  Why can’t I find her?  Why can’t I motivate myself?  Why can’t I use all of the tools that I know to get me up?  Why hasn’t anyone noticed that I don’t give a shit about anything anymore? Does anyone even care?  If I wasn’t here, would they even notice?

And that’s where I found rock bottom.  I always thought it would be horrible.  I heard stories of it and I’ve had some low points in my life… but nothing like this.  When you look around the landscape of your life amid the abundance you have and feel nothing, you can’t will yourself to be happy because you feel purposeless.  That was my rock bottom.

But in the darkness a part of me knew I had to stay there.  I had to feel the realness, the rawness and the messiness of life, the pain, the hurt, the fear, the scars, the healing, the tears.  I cried more in a week than I had in all the years prior and there I found her.  The Wild Souled Woman who was buried beneath the garbage of life.  The part of me that I no longer recognized… caught up in the day to day, fitting into life as we know it, caught on the treadmill, stuck in the rat race, doing what we should, colouring inside the lines.

And there I found myself  And I wrote this:

We weren’t born to be managed, to fit into a box, to sit on a pedestal or a shelf and look pretty.  We weren’t born to be brainwashed step ford wives who do as we’re told and look pretty and colour inside the lines and know our place.  Few can handle our energy, our passion and our zest for life and so they box us in because they fear us, and we let them because we’re afraid of it ourselves.  We don’t fit the mould.  In fact, we were born to break the mould. We know there’s some wild, visceral and primitive inside us clawing to get out- to dance free in the sunshine and the rain, to jump in puddles and crawl through the mud.  We’re alive at the core, a fire in our soul that ignites the world around us, animals talk to us and through us, the universe is aligned with us, people gravitate to us but we want to be left alone, to play in the playground of life, in experience, to feel the rawness and beauty of and perfection in our perfectly imperfect lives.  We can knockout a crowd in a little black dress, heels and the perfect shade of lipstick but We’re messy, some might say broken, but they don’t yet know the call of the wild – the untamed passion and life that flows in us and through us.

I am a woman.  Let me spell it for you G.O.D.D.E.S.S.

Hear me growl, because I’m not supposed to.

And then I got up from my knees and knew my purpose was to help women everywhere, find and tap into their inner Goddess, to light up a room with charm, stamina, charisma.  Light came to the darkness but the darkness showed me who I really was.  The darkness brought me to a place inside of myself that I had never allowed myself to be or even see… a wild souled woman who is not here to fit the mould, who is not here to be managed but who is here to break the mould and help women, everywhere, find their own inner Goddess.

11141212_10153467366022731_3008187102219873155_n

If you’d like to join my tribe of Wild Souled Women, you can find it on Facebook here>>Wild Souled Women.

Comments

  1. Gail Nicholson

    Tonya Whittle,
    I think Your writings are excellent. So happy to read about things that have helped you and things that will help me!
    Thx.

Add A Comment