To Feel Something…
I didn’t realize how dead inside I was. How numb I had become. I didn’t realize I had been living in a fog. I had been gone so long it was normal. I thought I felt things but mostly I felt shame, embarrassment, anger, frustration.
That long draw from my cigarette, burning my lungs made me feel something. The hunger pains made me strong, powerful, like I could outwit the law of nature and be stronger than those who needed food. The pain making me very aware of being alive. And when I stuffed food down after a long time without it, I felt the pain and bloat of gluttony.
The pain was all I knew. I liked the way it hurt. I suppose I thought I deserved it. But honestly, I never thought about much. I was always in reaction mode, never thinking or feeling beyond the need to control that moment.
True feeling eluded me and the hard pain made me feel powerful somehow. There was a part of me no one could get. I locked her away a long time ago. She was untouchable and only I knew that. Who was laughing now?
I would drift away to cope, tell myself stories, go somewhere else in my mind and eventually I went and didn’t come back. Not for a long time. The only feeling I could feel was the pain and it felt so good for so long.
I craved feeling and didn’t even realize it. I craved a solution to the fog, the numbness, anything that could help me cut through it. Tatoo’s, eating disorders, smoking, and eventually training all became ways to hurt to feel.
I didn’t want to let go of the self hate for so long. Without that who would I be? Would I be motivated? What if I fell apart? I didn’t know how to operate from a different place. I believed what people told me, I couldn’t speak up, I couldn’t say what I meant or mean what I said. I was lost, broken, had no boundaries.
I let people take from me, walk on me and I was aggressive in return.Unable to address it for fear of anger, being selfish, being hurtful so I stuffed it all down and pretended it was something else, looked away, didn’t deal, distracted myself.
The more I did this the more I lost myself. The less I was really living.
As I let it up, reframed and made sense of it, piece after piece until there was nothing left in there, I began to find myself, really find myself and it was clear how little living I was doing. My desire to live, fully live meant I had a host of experiences, things I’ve tried and done because life is too short to not fully live.
Life is about experiences to me. Experiencing life. Feeling the fear and moving forward anyway. It’s about love, the mad passionate kind and it’s about friends who get you in your soul who really see you and want you to be the best version of you.
It’s about breaking free of the chains that bind me. And feeling, real feelings, deep feelings. It’s about being present and real and raw. It’s not about walking on egg shells and fear of knowing who you are, it’s about owning all of you, the broken bits, the messy bits, the jagged edges that make you who you are.
It’s not about smoothing yourself out or pleasing to be nice. It’s not about fitting in or playing small or stuffing it all down to make room for someone else, it’s not about refining your edges to be perfect.
It’s about being Wild.
Who you are.
The wild one within that knows the answers and knows the way.
She’s the one who can feel. Really feel. She knows the hidden meaning, she sees the hurt, the destruction. She also sees the power you have, the dreams and and the passion, the fun and the happiness.
She is the real you. She doesn’t want to stuff it down or people please. She doesn’t want to walk on egg shells or paint a picture that doesn’t exist. She wants real, raw, alive, passion and more than existing!
The wild inside of you is the real you, the place you call home that you have been longing for. The wild way is the way through from the dark to the light, from existing to living fully, from surviving to thriving!
Let yourself live. Life’s too short to die inside while you’re still alive. Explore the numbness, see how and why you fade away, let it be your teacher and let the pain break you wide open so you can home back together wild and free.
PS… come join us in the Wild Souled Women FB Group.