Let Your Heart Beat Wild

 

I learned early that people don’t care and that became the storyline for my life.  “No One Cares”.  Subconsciously I held that story and belief my whole life.  I still do, at times. It’s hard to let go of our stories, to let go of things we believed from a young age.

I stopped asking for support.  But was still disappointed when I didn’t get it.  I even intentionally pushed it away, but still hoped I would get it…

No matter what I did, big or small, was noticed by the people I wanted it to be noticed by, those who’s support and love I’ve craved my entire life.  The light in me knows it’s not personal, but the dark reminds me that it’s not safe to open to love because if I do I will be disappointed and hurt.

And sometimes the dark wins.  Because I conditioned that part more.  I spent more time focusing on what wasn’t there, who did or said what than I did on the good.

To handle the hurt and disappointment, I shoved it down and put a cage around myself, to keep them out and me in.  I wouldn’t need anyone, I decided.  It was better to not need it than be disappointed every single time I didn’t get it.

Every time something good happened it was overshadowed by the lack of recognition from certain people in my life.  I was looking for proof that I didn’t matter, that they didn’t care and made it mean something about me. And I found it.

While I was so focused on that, I missed those supporting me, rooting for me, cheering me on.  I missed all the people who wanted to hold the space for me, who loved me and saw me for me and were genuinely happy for me.  But my successes have long been overshadowed by the story that no one cared.

I couldn’t see anything other than what I wanted not showing up.  A child wavering her report card – hoping to be noticed but still not.

We judge ourselves by the views of others – if someone else can’t see our worth, then I must be unworthy.  WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO DO OR BE TO GET THAT recognition?  And I realized, there’s nothing I can do.

Some people will never see us, never support us, never understand us.  But that doesn’t mean anything more than that. We make it mean more.  I’ve spent my whole life in a cha cha of wanting to be loved and pushing people away.

They didn’t see me, didn’t support me, didn’t notice me so I pushed them away.  Then I was hurt and angry and sad when they left. Then I’d push everyone away.  Even the ones who supported me, loved me and showed up for me.  Because I believed it was only a matter of time before they let me down too.

So I let myself down, over and over again. By withdrawing from life, going through the motions, hoping to be noticed, fought for and loved.  And when it didn’t happen seeing it as proof that there was something wrong with me.

We see in the world what we believe.  I developed a belief a long time ago that I didn’t matter and no one cared.  I closed off my heart and brooded inside, finding evidence of this all around me, looking for it, measuring it and holding onto it as proof not to let people in or be hurt.

But the hurt was coming from disconnection. As the hurt became too much and I desperately wanted to find the answer I took a journey inward, asking for guidance, I was shown how much love and support I could have, how much I have closed my heart to the possibility of it and therefore cannot see it because it’s not coming from places I expected it.

My expectation is the root of suffering.

As I journeyed deeper asking for guidance how to change this I was shown that I need to expand my vision, see those who do support and love and flourish in that.  I was shown, too, to stop seeking the approval and validation from people who could never give it.  Not because they didn’t care but because they couldn’t see from the same vantage point – they are on a different part of their journey.

As I journeyed deeper, I was presented with a glowing heart, a ball of light to place back in my chest because I had turned my own heart to stone.  As the lighted heart filled my chest I was overwhelmed.  It was too much for me. I had never known unconditional love.  I tried to hold onto it, but it was too much, and I dropped it again.

My heart wanted to open, but I was scared.  I didn’t trust people to have my best interests.  What if I was hurt? Why do I seem to open to people who do hurt me?  How could I protect myself from being hurt?  How could I be open and vulnerable while retaining discernment?

As I journeyed further into the meditation, seeking the answers, I was attacked by my jaguar, my heart torn to shreds and a new one installed “your heart has become malignant because you only see the negative, the lack, the hurt, a new heart will install the courage to love again and open your heart to life. Life is here, supporting you.  To live you must be willing to feel the hurt, too and let it teach you.  It’s all part of living.”

Focusing on the negative, what’s not there, the lack is the easy thing to do, we close off our hearts, hide behind walls, see the flaws in others so we won’t open ourselves to hurt.

All we really do is close off the possibility of love as a trade for safety.  In order to truly live we must love and loving means being open and being open means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means being open to being hurt – not only the good stuff.

Hurt doesn’t have to send us behind walls, hiding.  Hurt can make us see what we want and allow us to find it instead of believing it’s not available because someone couldn’t give it to you.  Opening your heart means allowing yourself to see that someone else has also closed theirs – they can’t give love or support because their heart is closed.  It’s not about you or me, it’s about them. And what if you, with your heart open, could help them open theirs.

Plot twist.

As I sank deeper still into the journey into my heart, it fluttered with the words “let your heart beat wild” – let it all fall away – all of the lack, of who’s not there, who did what and come back to the simple beating of the wild heart – the heart that knows that all it needs is within.

We get what we focus on.  Energy flows where focus goes.  As long as I was looking for who wasn’t supporting or loving me, I couldn’t see the ones who were and I kept my heart closed to life. The purpose of my life is to live fully in life and love.

I cannot do that with a closed heart.

And as I took first breaths with a fresh heart and new perspective I realized I don’t have the answers to that question – how do I love and remain open even when I’m hurt – but I know my heart will answer that question as long as I let it beat wild.

Let your heart beat wild, moon child. Listen to what it tells you.  Being hurt is a sign that you’re alive and living.  What you do with that hurt is a sign of how well you’re living.

Stay Wild,

Tonya

 

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