I’m Gonna Be Ok

For a while there I wasn’t sure.

If I would ever be the same again.  And I won’t.  I was trying so long to get back to “where I used to be” in the sense of being able to do what I used to do.  Those days are over.  I’m not ever going to be the same, but I am going to be ok.

The journey down – the descent is fast.  The rising is much harder.  Each step forward, each climb up feels like the journey of a thousand miles.  How often I wished I were “better” or “somewhere else”.

I craved that ability to push it all away and move on.  I wanted that back.  I wanted my fire, my passion, my do all back to where I was used it to being.  But it couldn’t come from that place – when I had that it was coming from a place of trying to prove that I was enough – secretly hoping that I would be “seen” and welcome and accepted by those I loved.

When I stopped seeking the finish line I finally realized it was the journey that mattered, enjoying the steps.  And while I always “knew” that, I didn’t always “get it”. The finish line isn’t important.  Where I end up is less important than where I am right now.

I know what I’m capable of.  I know who I am and what’s possible from a determined heart, mind, and soul. I did it.  I changed my life, healed my eating disorders and helped so many people change their lives through fitness.

BUT after a while I felt the pressures of being a personal trainer… to “be” the image of health that was not healthy at all.  Getting involved in fitness competitions brought back my fears, self doubt, body image issues and eventually eating disorders.

I remember standing behind my fitness studio chain smoking but terrified to eat an apple.  How had this happened again? I couldn’t believe it had all gone so wrong. I was on such a good, healthy path.  But here I was – trading what I knew for what I thought would work – trading myself for short term gain – all because I was living up to someone else’s expectations of me.

I knew I couldn’t keep doing this.  It was unhealthy for me and it was unhealthy for those I was trying to serve because I wasn’t authentic – not anymore.  I was saying one thing but doing another -secretly – but still.

I didn’t feel good about it.  So I left.  I walked away.  I closed shop and I retreated inward with some serious questions of how had I gotten here again?  I was confident in what I knew – after 6 years of being healthy and smoke free how had this happened?

And I was led, eventually, on a journey back in time to trauma’s, life experiences, and well, life itself that was shoved into a box – anything I didn’t want to deal with, anything I couldn’t face, all went in there and emerged in eating disorders, anger, frustration, and trying to be what others told me to be.

I bent until I broke.

And went I broke, I broke. And for a long time I was desperately trying to put it all back together.  And it wouldn’t go.  It wasn’t meant to fit back together.  It had broken apart so I could break apart, so I could let go of the armour, the walls, the stuff I hid behind them.

And rise, anew.  Build a new foundation, a new paradigm from a place of knowing who I am, not from a place of trying to prove, trying to fit or please.  I gave up myself in an effort to help others, thinking that’s what I was supposed to do.

But it’s not my responsibility to fix anyone, to change anyone, to be something for someone else.  I can help guide and direct, but if anything or anyone needs me to set myself on fire in order for them to be warm, the answer is RUN.

Because your tribe, your people, your space will never ask you to give up yourself, to give beyond what is reasonable.  They will insist you rest, you take a break and they will carry your load with you.  Your tribe will not let you carry it alone.

For a long time, I wasn’t sure if I would be ok again.  I’ve discovered I’m better than I could have ever imagined.  I’m better than I could possibly have ever dreamed by allowing myself to face it, to fall, to let my knees smash against the floor, to not get up, to let myself stay there in the dark, in the hurt, the pain, the agony of what I was feeling.

Through the dark night of the soul, I washed away all that was useless, I washed away all that wasn’t me.  I shed the layers of the wounded, the fearful, the armoured, the martyr and for a while I was exposed vulnerable.

Like a child, again, as I experienced the hurts of the world, I felt the sting and my instinct to armour up was still there.  And sometimes I would.  I would put it all on. But now I could see what I was doing.  I could see I was choosing to leave, to separate, to withdraw.

Now I could see it wasn’t helping me, not to grow into the person I am, not to help me become her.  So I had to sit in it, the discomfort of letting go, of feeling the pain inflicted by giving up myself, of giving but never receiving – I felt like I was learning for the first time – this time choosing a new way to respond – as an adult, as a warrior, as a goddess who knew who she was, no longer the hurt petulant child who was trying to protect herself from a world of hurt.

Standing in that pain, allowing it to be there and choosing the path of the warrior in the face of it, showed me that I really am ok.

It was ok to not be ok for a while.  I needed that.  I needed to let down the guard, the walls and I needed to see how I was holding myself back, that it wasn’t about what happened to me but it was about what I made it all mean and how I reacted to it all…More importantly I needed to decide who and what I wanted to be in this world and show up as it.  Be it.  Choose it.

I will be ok.  I’ve found my inner warrior. And I know you will too.

xoxo

Tonya

PS… if I can help you find and unleash your inner warrior, find and release any old beliefs and stories that hold you back – contact me and let’s talk.

 

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