WSW was born in the rising up from an emotional breakdown.  It wasn’t planned, as the good ones I have come to discover, are not.  I used to joke that I didn’t have time for the emotional breakdown I needed, not realizing this was uncomfortably close to the truth.

There were whispers along the way that my path had gone askew.  But I was stubborn and thought I could change the course of things.  I thought if I just pushed a little harder it would all fall into place.

I was pushing for the wrong things.

I was ignoring my personal life, my health, my home, my friends, my family and everything else that mattered to me to make something that seemed destined to fail, into a success.

After a particularly traumatizing year, my functioning was at an all time low.  I was repeating the same mistakes over and over and getting nowhere.  I was taking everything personally and I didn’t know how to get myself out of the mess I had created except to push harder.  Eventually I ran out of push.

So I got a fake push.  Caffeine pills, ephedrine, coffee, anything I could get to help me through 20 hour days.  I was as far from health as I could be.  And I could see my life, both private and business, falling apart at the seems while I desperately ran around putting tape on the cracks.

I’d get it on one crack and the tape from yesterday in another crack would bust and a new crack would appear.  I couldn’t keep up.  I was drowning.  And I was bleeding money.  I needed something but I didn’t know what. I fell asleep in the drive through window.  I was popping uppers and drinking coffee to get through my days.  I was double booking apt’s, managing 2 studio’s, over 100 clients and 6 staff, all while still working as the main personal trainer in my business.  I had a home, dogs, husband, family, friends, hobbies that all got pushed aside.

One morning as I was running late, as usual, my blender top popped off and I showered the kitchen in protein shake, Inside of my usual flip the fuck out and bitch about how everything always goes wrong, my hands gripped the counter top as I was so overwhelmed with frustration and hopelessness and desperation that I almost cried.  But crying wasn’t something I did.  Instead I took a deep breath and I don’t know exactly what made me look up, desperation perhaps?  But I looked up and said “Am I attracting this now?  Am I bringing more onto myself?”

It was my first lesson in the power of the universe and understanding that when we ask better questions, we get better answers.  I jokingly told my clients about my experience as I was preparing for class and even mentioned that I figured I was bringing this onto myself at this point.  One client told me she teaches a course in that stuff and I should come.

I said yes, because I say yes to everything.  But as the weekend approached, I was too busy – the usual suspect excuses!  Thankfully, she didn’t take no for an answer and I went.  My life has never been the same since that weekend.  At the time it seemed life changing and it truly was, but since then I’ve gone so deep into inner work that I realize that was my first steps into what the universe would offer to me to learn about how I really am, the power of the universe, what’s available to us and how my personal transformation from a decade prior, my complete smash on my face back into disordered eating, my breakdown and ultimately my rebirth << — not in the “I found jesus” rebirth.  But in the rebirth of who I really am at my core, a rebirth where I learned why I do (and everyone) what I do and how I had to breakdown in order to regrow as the person I really am.

I understand that while the world told me who to be, who would be liked more, more successful, sexier, more pleasing to the world, it was ultimately me who rejected me to fit in better, to have a place.

It wasn’t until my breakdown that I realized I was trying to fit in somewhere I didn’t belong, with people I didn’t belong with and that when I was myself, operating from full authenticity in who I am as a person, that I found peace,health, understanding and a tribe of people who accept me as I am.  And many of those were people who I simply assumed wouldn’t accept me and my scars as I was.  I was fake.  But once I showed them, opened up to them and showed them my softer side, my vulnerable side, the hurt that I’ve had in my life, they not accepted me, but they held the space for me to be who I was.

We think people won’t accept us, and sure plenty won’t, but when you’re good with who you are, it doesn’t matter.

Wild Souled Women was born from the breakdown and letting go of everything that wasn’t me, the pretending for the sake of being pleasing, the yes girl to make everyone happy, the wearing masks and pretending to be something I am not to make other people comfortable, the not speaking MY truth so other people won’t be upset with me or angry with me, the doormat was picked up, washed, put back in place with a sign in front of it that says “please remove your boots before stepping on the mat”.

Wild Souled Women is a movement of women for women to take back our power to be ourselves in a world that so constantly tells us we’re not enough unless our hair, makeup, clothes, shoes are a certain size.  We live in a world where unless we’re sucking dick 4x a week, supper on the table, kids perfectly behaved and educated, clean house and a full time career no less (because what DO those stay at homes do all day? sheesh…), with a rockin’ bod, working out 5x a week and healthy meals prepped and packed AND all done with ease and a smile on the face, then we’re failures.

WSW is not about saying fuck it all and letting ourselves go, it’s rather about realizing we have way more power than we’ve ever given ourselves credit for.  We’ve got caught somewhere in the blame game of why it’s all so hard to do and why it’s all so unfair and we’re spending so much time keeping up with the Kardashians and worrying about taking the perfect selfie and we’re completely missing the “bigger picture”.

WSW is about understanding that we can have it all, but we can’t do it all.  It’s about leveraging what we have to get what we want and need.  It’s about understanding why we do what we do and using strategies to help us uncover all the places where we play small in life and take back our power, it’s about not playing the victim anymore and asking for the help we need, being ok with it and not feeling “less than” because we admitted we can’t do  it all and don’t fucking want to do it all!

It’s about saying you’re important too.  It’s about asking the entire family to pitch in and help out and for you to let them do it your way.  Because let’s be honest, even if the husband or the kids helped you’d redo it because it wasn’t done right.  Right?  Yes… WSW is about figuring out why you do that so you can stop doing that and let shit be.  

At the core of it all is we have exactly what we have allowed and tolerated and what worked for us on some level.  If I don’t have any “help” at home and I have to do everything then I also get to complain about that and be the most important person, because “look, they can’t live without me!”  We want them to help but we’re afraid they’ll figure out they don’t need us and if they don’t need us, then we’re not important, right?  Or they might leave us if they figure out they can do it all themselves.

These are the irrational fears that we live with because we have been taught by society that we’re not good enough, we’re not enough, unless we are….

So we try to be, do and have everything.

And the truth is, that doesn’t make us happy, because inside we’re trying to keep it all together in order to be good enough and the minute one spaghetti stand is out of place it’s all over, they’ll all know that we’re not what we’ve pretended to be, that secretly we’ve always known that we’re not good enough, but maybe the right house in the right neighbourhood, the right marriage with the right kids with the right amount of income will make us good enough.

It won’t.  Because anything outside of ourselves that is creating our happiness is only temporary.  Once the new car shine wears off, we’re looking for the next fix.  And the next.

Or sometimes we get stuck.  We stop trying because we know we can’t achieve it.  So we became bitches in the life we live and we need to be right and we need to control everything in order to hold our place where we are.

But ultimately, none of it, giving up and pushing towards the wrong things makes us happy.  Happiness is an inside job.  The door opens in my friends.  I figured that out after years of trying to push it open, and one day I decided to pull it towards myself and imagine my surprise to figure it out I was in charge of it all along 😉

WSW movement is all about figuring out who we really are, developing our self worth and standing up for ourselves and holding space for ourselves, each other and the world, because we are way more powerful than we’ve ever given ourselves credit for.

We don’t have to be a doormat to get love and connect.  We don’t have to do everything for everyone to be important and needed.  We don’t have to control everything to have certainty.  And we don’t need to have meltdowns to have variety.  When we find ourselves underneath all of the garbage that’s been in the way, we find easy to say no to things that aren’t right for us, we carve out time for ourselves to take care of our health, we ask for help and accept it, we respect our boundaries and therefore others respect it as well.

The Wild Souled Women movement is for women by women, so we can hold the space for each other, support each other, help each other with the challenges we face daily, instead of competing and belittling and putting down and criticizing.

Wild Souled Women have something wild inside of them, that has been dying to be let free from the cage, let out of the box she’s been living in and take her place in the world, confident,courage and most importantly, free to live her life on her terms.

If you’re a wild souled woman, join my tribe here –>> Wild Souled Women

Tonya Whittle, Wild Souled Woman